THING THAT IS DOPE: AUSTIN RECAP

So if you’ve been stalking me on Facebook or read the last blog you know I’ve spent the weekend in Austin, for the most part is a pretty dope city, but being the people observer/blogger I am I spent the majority of my time making fun of people’s flaws and shortcomings. While the rest of the fellows arrived the morning before I flew in Friday night stand by into San Antonio….which is a terrible experience and I would never recommend anyone do it….it’s like getting blue balls with five other people around you getting blue balls and them blaming you for their blue balls at that point in time

ANYWAY….I landed in San Antonio Friday night and was picked up by fez, james, ray, and chaps. You should all know this group of guys if you know me, but if you don’t I’ll sum up each of these fellows in one sentence.

Fez is an auditor from Houston; he enjoys talking about OD Phi, accounting, and being mean to waiters.

James is the reason we went on this trip and a recent ASU grad, this big hearted guy is very heavy handed when he drinks and also likes Big Ol’ Bear Hugs.

Ray is the Ari Gold of the crew; blunt, terribly honest and irons his undershirts, Ray does not like to be tickled.

Chaps is the grown ass man of the group; standing at 5”7 and 180lbs, Chaps enjoys tequila, bicycle rides, and instigating fights between Ray and James

I won’t go into specifics about the weekend, mainly because some moments have been blacked out from memory and it would take too long. So here are the highlights of the weekend

Friday Night

8pm: Fez and the gang drive an hour out of Austin to pick my cheap ass up in San Antonio, although Chaps wanted me to take the greyhound.

9-11pm: A few drinks later, we end up on the river walk with my elbow bleeding and me try to show Ray my cool new open wound.

12am: Get back to Austin, eat a clif bar, cheez-it’s, and a diet mountain dew for dinner….. keeping it healthy you know.

12:30-2am: Head to 6^th St, which has ridiculously cheap drinks and women with red highlights and gold grills…..to keep it classy

4am-2pm kind of a blur but I woke up on the hotel floor with my feet soaking wet...

Saturday

2pm-4pm: breakfast at denny’s, I spat coffee in Fez’s face for no apparent reason

4pm-6pm: drive to an outlet mall in San Marcos to buy irregular Underarmour shirts. Ray get’s pissed off at James and tries to divorce him.

6-7pm: walk around UT Austin, many graduates walking around….I start feeling like a loser for not graduating with honors

730-8pm: the guys want to workout before the night out so we head to the hotel gym for a hurricane training session, which is basically 6 minutes of nauseating sprints and resistance exercise.

8pm: Horacio tickles Ray, James tries to jump in but Ray still upset from earlier

10pm: Dinner at a place called Kat’s, pretty good deli although the sandwiches took 45 minutes.

12am-3am-debauchery ensues….

3am we try to fit SIX grown men into an Infiniti G35, we were successful in our efforts with the exception of James being sodomized by Ray and Frodo.

Sunday

12pm-go to the airport with the guys

12:30-James has a very VERY awkward conversation with the taxi driver discussing sex change operations and boy girl parts.

1:30-the fellows depart to Phoenix, I’m stuck ‘til 3pm

3:20pm-flight is overbooked, and stand by’s might not be able to get on the 6:45 flight, if they’re lucky.

3:20-I cry a little on the inside.

4:00-purchase a one way ticket to Phoenix for $320

4:05-cry a little more, try to comfort myself with a cinnabon

So besides the extremely shitty ending, Austin was a pretty dope trip. I think the highlights of the trip were probably the conversations between Ray and James, I won’t go into specific details but here’s an excerpt of what was said during a drive

James: Big guy, I’m gonna tickle you right now

Ray: You better not James, I fucking hate being tickled

James: Why big guy?

Ray: I JUST DON’T LIKE IT, DO YOU LIKE BEING FUCKED IN THE ASS!? NO YOU DON’T!!!! I DON’T LIKE BEING TICKLED

A few recommendations for the next trip: Staying in more than one room, atleast a suite. Five professional men shouldn’t be cramming into two queen size room to save a couple bucks. If you do decide to sardine can-it bring your own soap, I would rather stink for two days than lather up with a soap bar covered with curly little black hairs, and no James soap isn’t self cleaning. A PLAN on vacation makes the vacation pretty futile, who gives a shit what you do and when you do it, as long as you have a good time and end up eating hot dogs and four in the morning dripping mustard on your diesels…