A Gentleman's Trip to Vegas

Las Vegas, I’m not sure what attracts me to Sin City every year…but no matter how costly, depressing, or painful the trip; I always find myself at a blackjack table praying or at a buffet crying and self-loathing. I usually leave Vegas much poorer and fatter than when I got there, but not this time…I’m 25 years old, I no longer have an excuse for being impulsive and careless….I’m a goddamn grownup, so it’s time to act like one. This would be a gentlemen’s vacation, a trip we would get the most out of and enjoy, because we work too fucking hard to expect anything less. This trip involved the usual cronies; if you don’t know them personally I’ll sum each gentleman in a few sentences.

Alex is the boss of the trip….I say this because he runs a furniture company, he is an alpha male, and his personal anthem is that one Kelis’ song. In his spare time Alex enjoys craps (the game, not defecation), Nike Dunks, and the same 10 songs over and over again.

Vince is the Navigator….I say this because he’s wide bodied and luxurious with a sleek paint job and chrome trimming….and also because he called eternal shotgun and was guiding Alex through the sin city. In his spare time Vince enjoys Moet with strawberries, being mistaken for the bouncer and sleeping in unusual places.

Enrique is the hipster….I say this because he is the youngest and most trendy of the group….and because he dresses like a hipster….seriously….look at this fucking hipster. In his spare time, Enrique enjoys cardigans, thriving on 30 minutes of sleep, and whatever hipsters like doing.

I am the brains of the group....not in the "street smart" sense, but more so in the sense that if someone needed a random science fact or needed to count their change really fast, I was their man. In my spare time I enjoy working out, notifying Enrique when he's received a text messages, and binge eating at the dessert section at the buffet....and looking damn good in this suit.

This was a mild mannered trip compared to most….and that’s fine by us. Not every Vegas trip needs to involve hangovers, thousands lost at the tables, or inexplicable blood stains on your clothes. We told ourselves we would be gentlemen, we would show restrain, and we would appreciate what Vegas has to offer…and remember it the next day. Here’s what we did

Sunday

2pm-Enrique and I depart Phoenix

6:50pm-Enrique says we should try to win money on this trip…I agree

7:38pm-arrive at the Hard Rock hotel and check in

7:40pm-see Prince’s purple velvet suit and begin to inexplicably cry tears of joy.

8pm-hit the black jack table

8:02pm-lose $100

8:04pm-win $100

9:20pm-Cordell jumps out of the darkness and scares the shit out of us…and joins us for the evening

9:30pm-pick Vincent and Alejandro from the Airport

9:32pm-set a new dress code for the Jack in the Box on Tropicana ave.

10:45pm-arrive at Vanity in HRH for bottle service and line dancing

11:30pm-convince the table next to us that Cordell is actually Big Sean and we are his body guards

11:45pm-see Chazz Palminteri (Sonny from the Bronx Tale) and begin to inexplicably cry tears of joy

Monday

1am-dance Salsa and Merengue to house music

3am-Vince begins to give everyone the thumbs up

4-5:30am-We all get separated and hilarity ensues but for legal reasons, nothing will be mentioned

9am-hurricane workout!

12pm-Order an immense amount of food at the” Egg and I” and become extremely disappointed when I can’t impress the waitress with my awesome eating skills

2pm-geek out at the Nike store….Alex and I pick out the same tee shirt unexpectedly and have a brotherly moment but he refuses to buy the same shirt and match the rest of the day….Vince becomes infuriated when they don’t carry the dunks he wants in his usual size 17.

2:45pm-Alex buys a pair of purple dunks and compliments himself on his exquisite taste the rest of the day

3pm-get back to the hotel and hit the tables for a few hours….I convince Alex and Enrique to put a dollar on 32….they lose….I refuse to pay them back

4pm-everyone goes back to the room for a nap

4:03pm-realize I can’t sleep so I wake everyone up for a workout….Vince cannot be risen from his deep slumber

7:30pm-arrive at Vic & Anthony’s Steak House at the Golden Nugget and enjoy the greatest filet mignon I’ve ever had….the rest of the gents agree it’s amazing. We highly recommend it…”every time you eat a steak, a hippie’s hacky sack falls into the gutter”

8pm-Realize the importance of an undershirt with a dress shirt and my nipples begin to chafe….this is the most excruciating discomfort of my life

9pm-arrive at the Sin City Comedy Show….hilarity ensues

10:55pm-arrive at Marquis Night Club at the Cosmopolitan….not an exaggeration, this is quite possibly the best club I’ve ever been to…

1:30pm-ball so hard motherfuckers want to find us

Tuesday

12am-ask the waitress at our table to turn down the music….she comes back 2 minutes later with ear plugs

1-4am-kind of a blur

4:15am-Enrique and I get into a fight in the restroom over trust…we quickly make up and hug it out in front of the sinks

12pm-buffet breakfast in downtown Vegas where we miraculously don’t get food poisoning or diarrhea and I go balls to wall on pastries….Enrique confesses to the group he’s lactose intolerant

3:30pm-Enrique and I hit the road and begin our trek back to Phoenix

3:34pm-Enrique faints from excitement to return home

7pm Alex and Vince board their plane and get to Phoenix before we do.

This has to be the best Vegas I’ve ever been on and definitely a great group of guys to spend the trip with. We didn’t waste too much time or money at the tables, we weren’t hung over, we acted like gentlemen, and left Vegas feeling better than when we arrived.